Putting your needs into words

Understanding the topic

Here, a “need” means something you want to name in your own experience, such as rest, privacy or contact. It is not a scientific personality category.

What the research says

Lavner and colleagues found that greater satisfaction coincided with more positive and effective communication. This does not establish the effect of any particular wording.

Source for this section: Justin A. Lavner, Benjamin R. Karney, Thomas N. Bradbury

Limits of these findings

Their study did not test our exercise or identify an individual’s needs. Silence, tone or response time alone are not used here to infer motives.

An optional starting point

You could complete: “In this situation, I would like… Could we…?”. For example: “I would like some rest. Could we move our meeting?”. This is optional wording, not a requirement to justify every refusal. The other person can give their own answer.